I'm in a bit of an existential crisis of sorts. I come home from work (which I do thoroughly enjoy) and all I do is sit around and stare at various screens all over again. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel lost, like I'm missing something important. I think I sleep enough, and yet everyday I wake up lethargic, and go to bed feeling worn out and unacomplished. Perhaps, I've thought, it could be that I'm missing travelling, of exploring new places and encountering new sights and sounds. And yet, the very thought of having to pack and plan and be overwhelmed by new stimuli leaves me with a certain dread and inhibition. Or maybe I miss the independence of living abroad, of being in control of how I decorate my living space or cooking what I want when I want. And yet, I foresee that to be 'independent' would mean a loneliness so profound (for I wouldn't want roommates). It would mean nights of almost no meaningful interaction after a day of work, and it would mean a life without my loving family by my side (who cook for me as well).

I'm lost, adrift in a sea of my own doing, my senses seemingly deadened by what's happening around me. Maybe I should just answer this yearning to just leave it all, to have concern for nothing and to live for myself, as is common nowadays. And yet, I don't think life is all about travelling to exotic locations and eating good food, contrary to what social media tells us. What I do know is that God has called us to a higher purpose, and that I am His child and He is my God. I seek solace in that.

I don't know the answer to my perceived existential crisis, but I do know that from the time I started writing this, I feel slightly lighter, like a weight has been taken off my chest. I haven't written in a while, but it sure feels good to do so. Maybe I'll write a little more.

Labels: thoughts

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