note: i am finally dragging this post out of its draft status from when it was written in early 2017

disclaimer: i absolutely hate drama and i always try to avoid it/stay of out situations like that.

people talk about friend detoxing and i was always sort of nod along and kinda get where they're coming from. sometimes relationships get so toxic that one has to resort to cutting off all ties with that person and get rid of them from their lives. i realise now i never had actual toxic friendships before. before this, i always thought "surely you'd know how terrible a person is before you become their friend and have to end up severing ties with them". people stop talking, or friendships fall away over time, but i never had to cease friendships just like that.

well, unfortunately (or fortunately), i am in the midst of a friend(s) detox.

these people were my roommates. and i always sort of got along well with them. we werent super close or anything like that, not in the same way some people are best friends with the people they share an apartment with here at Disney, but we said friendly hi's to each other in the mornings, and occasionally sat together and chatted. we werent having heart to heart chats but i would have considered them my friends. however, at the same time, i was also going out and meeting other people and doing things not with them. they were somewhat closer to each other, and would go into each other's rooms to chat, catch up, but also to gossip, i suspect. i wasnt really into sitting there and doing that, so i hardly joined in.

over the last couple of weeks, i got the feeling they were actively leaving me out of things, or that they had their own group chat and i was not in it. but i kinda brushed it off, thinking i was paranoid (im a huge overthinker). besides, i knew i didnt have to go to every single thing they had planned since:

a. i might not be interested.
b. i might not be free

They were still friendly and nothing else gave me the indication that they didnt treasure our friendship.

the breaking point was when they broke my trust and showed that they had no respect for me as their 'friend'.

we were supposed to go to miami together for 2.5 days, the 5 or 6 of us. however, it was close to one week before we were due to leave and i heard nothing about them booking anything. keep in mind we were all still working and had different schedules, so i didnt think much of it. then they changed tack and said they were going to key west instead, and i only found out about that because i dropped in when they we hanging out in one of their rooms. i had no say in it, but again, key west is a great place to go and i honestly didnt mind. then one or two days later, one of them posted on our roommate facebook page that "miami is too expensive, it's not worth only going for two days and we're going to have to cancel the trip". ok, now clearly i wasnt involved in this decision-making process at all, and i did manage to find a decent-priced deal that morning, which i mentioned to one of them before. at this point, i wasnt too surprised. i had an odd feeling that they would cancel anyway (someone told me i have trust issues and i think that is very true).

anyways, i was upset, but i put that behind me, because cost and time issues are legitimate reasons for not going. well to my utmost surprise (and my two other roommates, one of whom was also up for going on the trip as she managed to get those days off), i came home one night from work and found out from my roommate that 4 of them were in tampa (seaside city 1.5h away from orlando), and she only knew because she saw one of their photo's on fb. what made me really mad was that:

-obvs the fact that they cancelled our 'trip' and went on their own one (i still think i might be able to overlook that because i get that they might think im too boring or something to join in - i get that i cant please everyone and i have some weird quirks that people might not like)
-they went without telling us anything. this one im most upset about, because i had also clearly asked one of them what they were doing the next day and she replied "oh i think i just hanging out with so-and-so". they clearly showed that they had no respect for me (and my other roommates) by even telling me to my face what they were going to be doing.
-this is made even worse by the fact that we were on good terms before this. if we had got in a fight or if toxic they were clearly uncomfortable being around me, i definitely wouldnt have minded that they went somewhere together (see point one)

looking back, i now realise there were plenty of times i felt insecure when i was hanging out with them. i would keep second-guessing myself, and checking my words to make sure im saying the right thing in the right way, particularly around certain people. although we had good times together, the fact that i was so unsure of myself and where i stood with them should have told me that what we had was no 'friendship' at all.

in short, i no longer consider them my friends, and i can't see myself overlooking what theyve done and becoming friends again. my other rommmates might be able to, but i honestly am not that desperate for their friendship that im willing to subject myself to self-doubt and insecurity again. it's just not worth it.

p.s. im just writing this to remind myself to stop making excuses for their behaviour and to stop doubting whether ive overreacted to this incident. and also i just need to get this off my chest.

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ADAPTED FROM THE ARCHIVES
26 MAY 2017

So I did a five-and-a-half month stint in Orlando, Florida at Walt Disney World, where I recorded a few things I noticed or found interesting about America*. Here they are:

*Note that I've primarily lived in Singapore and Australia and can only offer up my opinions in that context.

Getting around
Driving/walking on the right side instead of the left. This is an obvious one. I found myself walking on the right even after I returned to Australia, which confused myself and the pedestrians around me.

Walking around by myself. Hmm. Not sure what I meant by this, but perhaps I noticed it a lot more that I was travelling around by myself more frequently, instead of with family or friends.

Traffic/road rules. One rule I can recall faintly is that vehicles could turn on a red signal in some cases. The first few times it happened, I was quite taken aback.

In Singapore and in Australia, all cars are legally required to have car plates at the front and back of the car. Most, if not all, cars in Orlando only had car plates at the back. The first couple of cars I saw that did not have car plates at the front, and I thought, "Wow, people must really like stealing car plates here".

Communication style
It is inevitable in the process of communication that you learn about the other person. However, what I noticed in my conversations with Americans while working in Walt Disney World (Americans came from all over the country to work there), is that communication was not so much a mutual exchange of information, but it was where two parties sequentially offered information about a topic, bouncing their ideas/thoughts off of each other, but without direct acknowledgement that the other had said anything relevant at all.

As a result, I had to learn to be a little narcissistic, and to talk about myself more. I noticed that this type of conversation occurred in Australia too (as compared to Singapore, where conversations occur by asking the other questions, then an acknowledgement and a little commentary is offered). In America, though, I found that 90% of the time, not much "conversation" occurred unless I started talking about myself to the other person.

We learn at a young age that when someone says "Thank you", you should say "You're welcome". However, I think that people in Singapore and Australia generally do not practice this way of speaking. We usually say "No problem" or "All good". Imagine to my surprise when I thanked my colleagues/friends in America, and they actually said "You're welcome" to me! I think we generally associate "You're welcome" with sarcasm, insincerity and sometimes when we do say it, we mean it as a joke. But these Americans were certainly saying it straight-faced, without an ounce of insincerity or sarcasm.

Money
An aspect of American culture widely portrayed in popular media and culture is tipping. I was under the impression that I had to tip everywhere I went, but found out that tipping was only applicable for restaurant-type services (i.e. not fast food chains), or personal service (e.g. taxis). The 'market rate' while I was America was 18% if you thought the service was average, and around 20% if you really liked the way they served you. Anything less than 18% meant you thought the service was bad, though you would still tip regardless. I was also pleasantly surprised to find that, if you were paying with card, you could specify the % amount of the bill you'd like to give as tip, thus saving you any tricky mental calculation business.

As with quite a few other countries, e.g. Japan, the amount you see on the tag is not necessarily the amount you will end up paying at the counter as there is still to be tax added on. I found this annoying, especially when paying with cash, as I would always be fumbling with my money, instead of coolly giving them the right amount.

Food
Ah, food, always an interesting topic.

I'd never seen white eggs before, and I mean white. I thought they were bleached, but it turns out America has a type of chicken that produces white eggs. In fact, the light brown eggs I was so used to seeing were rarer and more expensive in America.

This one I knew of beforehand, but I was still boggled by the fact that there was so much sugar in everything! Particularly in bread, one of the things I would've thought did not need sugar. I would have to pick up each loaf of bread, read the ingredients for sugar and all its variants (brown sugar, maple syrup, molasses etc.), then after repeating 3-4 times, I would finally find a wholegrain variety that did not have any sugar. What a weird world we live in.

I'm a little sad I can't remember this fully. But I noted down in 2017 that America has great fast food. I'm used to soggy bread and lukewarm meat, but both the bread and meat are tasty in American fast food.

Another thing I noted down was that "it's not American if it doesn't come in small packaging in large packaging". What an environmentalist's nightmare!

And so 2.5 years later, thus ends my list of observations while living in America!

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It's funny, I just looked in my drafts and remembered that I previously wrote a post titled 'Existential Crisis?'. Now, the only reason I looked in my drafts was because I was feeling kinda out-of-sorts again. Since my last post, which was actually drafted in August, I'd actually gotten the hang of working and weekends. It's only recently that I started feeling the monotony of it all, though I'm not entirely sure if it's because it's a 9-5 desk job or it's just because work is a little slow right now. Either way, I've realised I actually don't like routine all that much, and I very much prefer something with more variety, to keep me on my toes, so to speak.

Note: Unfortunately I don't know when this was originally written. But if I had to take guess it would sometime from Oct-Nov last year.

Labels: thoughts

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To save this memory for posterity, here's a breakdown of the receipt of the time I treated my family to dinner with my first proper paycheck.

New Shanghai, 226 Queen St, Brisbane, QLD 4000
Table #7

1	#201.STEAM. PORK DUMPING 小籠包	$9.00
1	#206. SPRING ONION PANCAKE 蔥油餅	$7.40
2	#304.ST. MEATBALL BROTH 8.00 原盅清蒸蟹粉獅子頭	$16.00
1	#404. CRISPY CHICKEN NOODLE 山東手撕雞湯面	$15.70
1	#418.STEAM RICE (per bucket) 白飯（每桶）	$7.00
1	#515.RAINBOW BEEF 幹煸牛肉絲	$20.60
1	#601.SAUTEED SNOW PEA 清炒豆苗	$15.80
1	#607.MOPO TOFU 麻婆豆腐	$14.30
1	#1613.SRIRA-SHU	$15.00
Item(s) SUBTOTAL		120.80
GST INCLUDED		10.98

Monday 31-7-2017 6:36:09 PM

Labels: experiences

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I'm in a bit of an existential crisis of sorts. I come home from work (which I do thoroughly enjoy) and all I do is sit around and stare at various screens all over again. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel lost, like I'm missing something important. I think I sleep enough, and yet everyday I wake up lethargic, and go to bed feeling worn out and unacomplished. Perhaps, I've thought, it could be that I'm missing travelling, of exploring new places and encountering new sights and sounds. And yet, the very thought of having to pack and plan and be overwhelmed by new stimuli leaves me with a certain dread and inhibition. Or maybe I miss the independence of living abroad, of being in control of how I decorate my living space or cooking what I want when I want. And yet, I foresee that to be 'independent' would mean a loneliness so profound (for I wouldn't want roommates). It would mean nights of almost no meaningful interaction after a day of work, and it would mean a life without my loving family by my side (who cook for me as well).

I'm lost, adrift in a sea of my own doing, my senses seemingly deadened by what's happening around me. Maybe I should just answer this yearning to just leave it all, to have concern for nothing and to live for myself, as is common nowadays. And yet, I don't think life is all about travelling to exotic locations and eating good food, contrary to what social media tells us. What I do know is that God has called us to a higher purpose, and that I am His child and He is my God. I seek solace in that.

I don't know the answer to my perceived existential crisis, but I do know that from the time I started writing this, I feel slightly lighter, like a weight has been taken off my chest. I haven't written in a while, but it sure feels good to do so. Maybe I'll write a little more.

Labels: thoughts

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